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Sambar (An Indian Bachelor's Recipe)
                             - Samuel Rajkumar

Lemme see. So the editor wants me to write this food column thing (You volunteered! Ed). Having elevated living as a decadent bachelor to a fine art, I think I'm uniquely qualified to pass on a few of recipes that I have carefully accumulated.
 
Let's start with how to cook the perfect sambar. 

Now a good sambar requires the right amount of "body". For this you will need 2 pulp fiction novels. Make sure they are not too heavy or too light. We need the right bland taste and the exact soggy consistency. Some of my friends have reported excellent results with newspaper, but I find that it tends to leave a bitter aftertaste.
 
You can add a lot of vegetables to your sambar. A word of caution to first-timers. Always buy your vegetables from a trustworthy green grocer. The following example should illustrate my point. 

Some years ago, I bought some luscious looking baingans from this merchant. The sambar turned out quite well, except that 4 of my guests collapsed inexplicably. I naturally carefully investigated and found that the "luscious looking baingans" were in fact made of plastic! Of course, you learn all this only from bitter experience. (The man's insane or biodegradable. Ed) 
Now you add a lot of thingummies to the delicious looking sambar base. What you add is entirely a character thing. Some schools of thought saying this, and some saying that. I personally add thingummies depending on the mood I want to create. Sometimes I tend to be minimalist, while at other times I veer towards extravagance. (Poppycock. Ed) 

A very important ingredient that we must keep at hand is 1/2 bottle of whisky / rum or 5 bottles of beer. This is per head, so plan accordingly depending on the number of heads you're having over for dinner. Now we do NOT add the spirits into the sambar, but I've noticed that 48.57% more people found the sambar delicious after consuming the said quantity of spirits. (I'm not staying for dinner. Thanks. Ed)
 
We're nearly through, except that we now need to bring the sambar to boil. Again there are several methods laid down for doing this, all by several respected authorities. My favoured method is to place the bowl before the telly and tune to a panel discussion.

Experience has shown me that WTA events too generate the same heat. Novices might be tempted to use FTV, but I've noticed that since lately the sambar tends to get somewhat undercooked. (The crap I have to put up with. Ed)
 
And that it! We're done with cooking the perfect sambar. By my  calculations you should not take more than 23 minutes, 43.87 seconds to do it. Neat, eh? (We have an opening for the food column. Those interested may contact me. Ed) 

The author prefers to remain anonymous for fear that he may be deluged with requests for more of his highly efficacious recipes. (Fat chance. Ed)

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psst: sam is all ready to get married. interested parties may log on to yahoo messenger and add pd_appa@yahoo.com to their Friends 'l8r more than friends' list -ed

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